UHMC

The uber-huge monster conspiracy, most commonly known as the UHMC, is the conspiracy set up well, by the uber-huge monsters of Neopia. Members include, of course, the Turmaculus and Snowager, but they're accompanied by an assortment of other monsters, like Sloth (when he's on stilts), and um… other villains. Yeah, well, back to the point of the UHMC itself. It doesn't matter whose in on it, afterall; it just matters that all of your lives are in danger because of it.

You see, I discovered the secret headquarters (not so secret anymore, IS IT, UHMC members!?) while visiting the Snowager's lair. My Kougra, Carri, was being particularly brave, and as she ventured into the icy place of possible disaster, she seemed fearless. I trailed behind her, cowering in fear. Though as scared as I was, I was still there.

The two of us expected to have to sneak past the snake to steal a treasure (I had my heart set on getting a new cannon), but well… when we arrived in the middle of the lair, the Snowager was GONE! And by gone I don't mean there was a sign up that said "On lunch - Back in 10 Minutes", I mean utterly gone. His beloved stash just sitting there, glistening with ice crystals. Nobody was guarding it at all.

I didn't even give my thoughts any consideration before running to the pile and digging into the goods. Neggs… snowballs… oh so much! Excited as ever, I jumped completely onto the treasures, and well, they started sinking into the ground.

Carri screamed, and I screamed, and soon we were both screaming so loud that we were sure the Snowager would lunge at us right then and send us to our icy doom. But he didn't. Because he wasn't there.

I sunk all the way down into the pile, so far down that I was sure I would suffocate, and then fell right through the ground.

I landed on a big wooden table (and by big I mean humongous), and when I looked up, I was staring straight at the Turmaculus.

"WHAT THE -!?" I yelped. My eyes had to be as big as dinner plates and as wide as saucers, if not larger.

Two seconds ago I been in the Snowager's lair and now I was… now I was… now I was WHERE!?

The Turmaculus cocked his head and grunted. He then reached out a massive paw and picked me up. I was sure I would soon be in his stomach with all the poor Puppyblews and Slorgs. Poor me! The first owner to be eaten by the Turmaculus! I was wallowing in self-pity.

But he didn't gobble me up. Instead he handed me over to some unusually tall creature with a green face and a black cloak. Sloth? No, Sloth wasn't this big. Sloth on Stilts? Yes, that had to be it! Slothy had picked up some stilts to fit in with the Turmaculus!

I felt like a genius - I swear. Figuring out one of Sloth's secrets. "Oh Turmy!" I wanted to scream to the Turmaculus. "Your dear friend Sloth has stilts on!" But then again, I didn't feel like being zapped into sludge, nor did I want to get eaten. So I stayed absolutely silent.

Sloth looked at me for a few minutes, then set me down. I expected to feel snow, or maybe even grass, below my shoes, but instead I only felt what seemed to be wood flooring. I looked down. My guess was right. The floor was wood.

Dare I ask where I was? If I did, would Turmaculus and Sloth and the Snowager -

It was then that I noticed the Snowager, huddled up next to a fan (A fan? He relied on a fan for not melting?). He was looking at me quizzically, and I almost thought he would blast me right then and there. Instead, he grunted like the Turmaculus had, and then stared at the wall.

This was getting weird. I mean, falling through the Snowager's stash had been peculiar, but now I was standing in the middle of a room filled with villains. 3. I had counted 3 so far. Were there more? Where were they? WHO were they?

I chewed my lip thoughtfully as I surveyed the room out of curiosity. It was rather normal and orderly, I must admit, with that big table surrounded with six leather chairs (the kind that spin around really fast), and the chalkboard with notes of world domination on them…

A chalkboard with notes of world domination? Real normal Choc, I thought, rolling my eyes. I studied the words, printed in white chalk, and wrote them in my mind in permanent ink.

1. Brainwash People Into Worshipping Sloth. It was no wonder who wrote that one.

2. Lure People Into The Snowager's Lair, Then Brainwash Them Into Worshipping Sloth. Who's the leader of the club? S-L-O-T-H!

3. Lure People To Turmaculus, Then Brainwash Them Into Worshipping Sloth.

Sloth had big plans - didn't he? Brainwashing people into worshipping him! How dare he do this! I had to warn the citizens of Neopia!

"Where's the door!?" I demanded Turmaculus.

He grunted and pointed up. Oh gee, that's nice. Make the exit in the ceiling. How absolutely SPECIAL! But nevertheless, I had to get out.

Sighing, I struggled my way back up onto the table and looked at the hole in the ice. Except, there wasn't a hole anymore (Had there ever even been one, though?). The Snowager's stash was sitting there, as if held up by an unseen beam.

"OH THAT'S POLITE!" I screamed in dismay. "THE EXIT'S COVERED BY A LOAD OF JUNK!"

"You pathetic human!" Sloth exclaimed in an exasperated tone. "Not up as in you have to climb the wall! Up as in take the stairs!" He thrust his hand/paw/claw/whatever toward the left, where I saw a staircase beginning.

I blushed and grinned like a moron. "I knew that!" I said. I then quick-walked over to the staircase and ran up in clumsy gallop-like steps.

When the steps ended, I was in the back right corner of the Snowager's lair. I stepped onto the snow, and brushed off my pants (it's an odd habit of mine). I then looked back at staircase, as if expecting that it would've disappeared. It hadn't. It was still there.

Frowning, I looked at the stash of goods in the middle of the cave, and I screamed when I saw the Snowager lying on top of it, sleeping. He snorted in his slumber, and I was very afraid that he'd wake up. So I ran full throttle through the cavern and finally out into the open.

I crashed immediately into Carri, sending us both toppling over to the ground.

"What HAPPENED, Choc?" she exclaimed once she regained her composure.

"No time to explain!" I worriedly yelped. "Must inform Neopians of their fate!"

And right then and there, I fished a crumpled piece of paper and old pen out of my pocket and started writing my article on what I had seen.

A/N: This is not fake. This is all real. This is what I discovered in the Snowager's Lair. Under the Snowager's lair I mean. Beware. You're all in danger. Neomail me for details ;)