Neopian Nibbles: Tasty Tyrannian Foods!

     The humble Tyrannian Food Shop is owned by a Tyrannian Kacheek, whom we could not ascertain the name of -- when asked, he merely drooled a bit and scratched his head. We immediately noticed that the shop was quite crowded and bustling with activity, despite the fact that a short distance away the Giant Omelette was giving away delicious omelettes free of charge. We asked the Kacheek what he thought it was about his shop that kept Neopets from across Tyrannia coming in steady droves when they could otherwise eat for free. He grunted “Uggh-Ugga-Ugg!” in response and then plucked a flea from his mane, popped it in his mouth, and chewed it vigorously. Perhaps that’s the secret ingredient which keeps Tyrannian Neopets coming back for more? We couldn’t be sure, but we were certain that this interview wasn’t going to get very far. So, as always, we decided to let the food speak for itself! Without further ado, here is our review of the Tyrannian Food Shop.

     Fuzzly Pear

     Have you ever taken a bite of a delicious, juicy pear and thought to yourself ‘Mmmm this would be perfect if only it were covered with hair’? Yeah, neither have we. The Fuzzly Pear could certainly use a shave if you ask us. Some natives claim that chewing on the long blue fuzz is exactly what they love about the Fuzzly Pear as it gives it an “irresistible stringy texture”. We will have to ponder that statement while we spend the next couple of hours coughing up hairballs. 3/10

     Raw Wartroot

     We were warned by a sign in the shop to “eat this whole” and definitely “DON’T pop any of the fungus berries”... and well, long story short Riss’s Blumaroo had an unfortunate accident and is now covered head to tail in Neowarts. When asked if she needed to go to Neohospital, she replied “Can we bring some more Wartroot to go?”. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, we don't know what is. 9/10

     Mini Egg Taco

     These tacos take “hard shell” to the extreme. Three gooey eggs sit atop a bed of fresh lettuce and are nestled in between a rock that is shaped like a taco. The uniquely Tyrannian shell certainly gave the taco an extra crunch, but even that stony shell couldn’t keep the taco from crumbling apart when we took a bite. We suppose it’s just an unavoidable law of nature when it comes to eating tacos! That said, we were still quite satisfied with the meal. 5/10

     Minty Rock Ice cream

     You’ve heard of Minty Chocolate Chip Ice cream — this take on the ever-popular flavour combines the cult classic with yet another beloved flavour: Rocky Road. That’s because the Rocks are quite literally taken from the road! Creamy, extra crunchy, and delicious, this sweet dessert is perfect for a hot day on the plateau. 7/10

     Soft Tyrannian Cheese and Crackers

     These soft and creamy cheeses paired with flaky crackers served as a much needed respite from some of the rock-laden fare of Tyrannian foods. After all, our jaws could only take so much abuse at once. The cheese was so velvety smooth that it literally melted in our mouths. If you’re a cheese lover (who isn’t?) then this scrumptious snack is definitely for you! 8/10

     Grarrl Saliva Soup

     Flavor wise, this soup is nothing short of delicious. Grarrls are known to partake in almost all tyrannian cuisines, giving their saliva a unique blend of Tyrannian flavours. For a steady flow of Grarrl Saliva Soup, one of the more popular items in the shop, there are half a dozen Grarrls in the back of the kitchen for a steady production line. However, we had reservations about how exactly the soup was made. You see, just above the Grarrls reach is a cage with a Gruslen petpet inside. The hungry Grarrls can’t help but salivate as they stare up at the poor petpet. We enjoyed the flavour of the soup, but it is not worth the cost of terrorizing that poor Gruslen. We’ll be sending the Petpet Protection League an anonymous tip. 0/10

     Tekels Questionable Stew

     It has been said that this stew is questionable because of its contents and how long ago it was made… Needless to say, we were nervous when we asked to sample the stew and several Tyrannian natives began chuckling amongst themselves, almost as if directed at the foolish outsiders who would dare such a feat. We were spooked, but certainly were not about to back down in the face of those Tyrannians. We took the plunge and dove our spoons in to get that first bite. And then we did it again. And again. And again. Once we started we simply could not stop. The rich, meaty, salty stew was perhaps the best dish we had ever tasted. Fermenting for a few years is probably what gave it its impeccable flavour. Don’t be put off by its … questionable… appearance and smell. Try Tekels Stew, and the only question you’ll be asking is “Can I have some more??”. 10/10

     Tyrannian Everything Omelette

     Can’t decide which type of omelette you want? Well, at the Tyrannian food shop you won’t have to! This omelette combines the flavours of all of your FAVORITE omelettes from the Giant Omelette. That’s right: BBQ, peas and carrots, ham and cheese, spinach, red pepper, even marshmallow! If you can think of it, it’s probably an ingredient in this omelette! While the idea SEEMS perfect since it has nearly everyone’s favourite ingredient, the cacophony of competing flavours ended up making it rather disgusting. If you’re specifically craving an omelette I would skip Tyrannian Foods and pay a visit to Sabre-X at the Giant Omelette instead. 1/10

     Cactus Leaf

     This dish certainly isn’t for the faint of heart, but it boasts a sharp flavour that was, without reservation, a cut above the rest. When you manage to gnaw past the prickly outer shell, your mouth is flooded with a mixture of moisture of cactus juice (it’ll quench ya - IT’S THE QUENCHIEST!) and your own blood. Talk about personalized flavour! This is the kind of unique and personally catered dining experience we at Neopian Nibbles aim to introduce to our readers. While we don’t recommend trying this one at home (or really ever), we were both pretty jazzed about our new free tongue piercings that came with the meal. 9/10

     Lean Meat Kebab

     This item is advertised as lighter fare and a “dieter’s delight” which stood out to us, as tyrannian food is known to be decadent and rather calorie-dense. An item of this nature was the last thing we expected to try, but we were curious and ordered it anyway. We were flabbergasted when we saw our waiter fish out a bone from the garbage that had one measly bite of meat hanging off of it, which he then plated up and served to us. Although we’re sure it’s low in calories, this one belongs back in the trash. 0/10

     Buzz Honey

     Buzz honey is known to be one of the sweetest substances in Neopia! Typically if you want any shot of getting some, you have to first locate a hive, and then battle the buzzes yourself! Suffice to say, having this rare delicacy readily available on the menu got convenience points from us right out of the gate. We couldn’t help but wonder if the lumps all over our waiters head were the result of a few buzz stings procuring this delicacy, or just an unfortunately shaped skull as one sometimes happens across in Tyrannia. In any case, we were grateful that our new bumpy buddy was able to provide us with such a spectacular treat! 8/10

     Overall, we sadly would not recommend stopping by Tyrannian Foods. Although there were some delicious options (notably Tekels Questionable Stew and Buzz Honey) between the poor treatment of Petpets, unsanitary food preparation, and a wildly contagious case of Neowarts, we’d consider this restaurant to be rock bottom.