The Guide to Being Vain: Tips from an Usuki Girl Usul

Hey! I heard you snickering there, Lolly! I know you have those beautiful wings, wouldn’t mind having a pair myself actually, but anyway, do you have this beautiful mane of Usuki hair, huh? Do you...

Whoops, sorry! That was my Faerie Wocky sister and she keeps teasing me about how vain I am. Hah! If she only knew how difficult it is to make oneself pretty and adorable all the time, how much time and effort it takes, making sure you always look your best. Why it is not a trivial matter at all! It is a way of life that takes dedication and constant exertion I tell you!

Anyway, I was browsing the Neopian Times and it suddenly struck me that there wasn’t an article that talked about these important things all together. What important things you ask? Why, the things to being VAIN, of course!

And so I thought to myself, why not share my experience in this matter? And if somehow I could advise some poor, misguided, fashion-challenged and borderline-repulsive neopet on what to do, then I consider my work done.

Naturally, I told my owner my plans to write this article. I didn’t really get a clear reply as she just stared at me then laughed hysterically when I told her but I guess it’s a go. So here it is, my guide to being vain.

Things to do:

1. Give yourself a catchy nickname.

The purpose of having a nickname is to have someone call you and let others hear what a pretty or cool nickname you have of course. Even if you’re well-named, nothing is more boring than having other pets call you by your real name. That’s just, like that is so square! And never mind if you’re badly named or your secret shame all this time is having been named after something silly. This is what nicknames are for and so I’ll let you in on a tip for having a catchy nickname.

Take my nickname for example, TwixC. My full name is twix_candyfloss and my owner, Akitera, initially called me “Twix” but I insisted on being called “TwixC”. Remember, the catchiest nicknames have two syllables and should usually end with a vowel, preferably an “e” sound. Why? Don’t ask me why, it just sounds catchy!

Anyway just remember that a two syllable-nickname is ideal. Only one syllable is too short, three syllables is pushing it and four syllables or more is already your full name.

2. Get painted a fabulous color!

Obviously, you need to choose a color that will make you look utterly fab! So I’ve made a list of what are the best colors to get painted with. And of course, just to make sure if you don’t know, I’ve also listed some colors which you should avoid at all cost. There are plenty reasons why you should consider and choose wisely. Have you ever heard of the unreleased/original Darigan Poogle? Oh, you did. Well, that’s good because I don’t like to dwell much on anything hideous in this article.

And so, what colors to get:

Pink or Purple – My favorite colors! But I’m not suggesting them just because they’re my favorite. Alright, I’m lying; I am suggesting them because they’re my favorite colors. But still, dresses look so good when you’re painted Pink or Purple. Well that is, unless you’re a boy, then I suggest you get painted something else.

Chocolate or Biscuit – Ooh! You’ll look so yummy in these colors. Of course, no one will literally take a bite at you (I think) but everyone will find you so delectably adorable.

Faerie – Ah, those vibrant colors! Those wings! If you want to look more other-worldly than you usually do, get painted Faerie. Not to mention, you can get to flutter or fly around to show off your outfits.

Royal Girl or Boy – Not everyone can pull off the regal and haughty look, but you have to admit, just donning on a set of royal clothes can make you look magnificent.

Usuki Girl or Boy – The pinnacle of FABULOUS!!! Naturally, it is no coincidence that I am painted one. *preens* Now don’t feel too bad, not all of us were meant to be Usuls. *pat, pat* Of course, you can try getting that copycat color if you’re a Quiggle. But then, I’m washing my hands of you if you do, so there!

And now, what colors to avoid:

Mutant - Unless you’re a Peophin, Eyrie or Pteri who look so bizarre and yet manage to look amazing, forget getting painted Mutant. I mean it!

Grey - Why would you want to look despondent all the time I ask you? There’s a reason why we pets always say, “Why don’t you just paint me grey if you’re going to leave me like this”, you know. No pet ever looks good when they’re downcast or miserable. Well, that is, if you can pull off the sad look with adorable, droopy eyes like an Ixi or Grundo, I guess you can. But anyway, the point is, would you really want to look in a mirror and always see that pitiful expression on your face? Of course not!

Zombie - That sickly pallor... those liver spots... wearing old and tattered clothes... That is just so wrong. Need I say more? Just no!

Invisible - Dahling! You are clearly missing the point if you choose to paint yourself Invisible. We need to be seen! Of course, if you happen to encounter an unfortunate accident with the lab ray or a more unfortunate accident with your color-blind owner who went trinket-happy, by all means, use that Invisible Paint Brush for a quick fix solution.

3. Have a matching petpet that’ll look good with you.

Now of course, you also need a pretty little thing beside you all the time. Something like an accessory but something you can play with too. I’m talking about getting a petpet, of course.

Huh? What’s that you say? Why should we get something that we would need to take care of and not just concentrate on ourselves? Oh no, dear, I think you got confused. We are not selfish. We are just vain.

So okay, back to what I was saying. Whether it be Angelpi, Feloreenas, Dragoyles, Meowclopses, Cyodrakes, Kazerius, or any other petpet, the important thing to remember is that they should either match your color, your outfit (like my Babyca) or maybe your hair if you’re lucky to find one.

However, there are also petpets you want to avoid. I’ll just give two examples. One, the Blorbis. Why? They are foul smelling and terribly unhygienic and if that’s not enough to put you off, they are grumpy as well! What do you do with something like that? You simply can’t have a petpet who can throw a tantrum like you. Other petpets like it though not necessarily sharing the same temperament are the Bogie, Manjeer, Sludgy, Snotbunny and Dribblet. Alright, to be fair, some of them are quite nice but the drool? The slime? The snot? To end up on your dress???

What’s the other petpet to avoid?

Meepits.

No explanation needed.

4. Look up to the following Neopians:

My personal favorites are Uggsul, Princess Vyssa and Princess Fernypoo. As you can see, two of them are Usuls! I am so proud of them. But anyway, I decided to list some more unconventional Neopians who are as dedicated to our cause.

Vanity – Before you protest, yes, I know, she’s a villain. Don’t worry; you are not going to put a curse on other pets to make them positively ugly and see them try to win the Beauty Contest NOW! No. I listed her because her commitment and concern for beauty is unquestionable (if somewhat making her ruthless but we need not concern ourselves with that).

Sloth – Yes, I know, another villain. But take away the megalomania, the “I will take over Neopia because it’s a lovely planet” motto, and the penchant for brainwashing and enslaving Grundos, and you are left with a perfectly ordinary vain person who obviously takes good care of his teeth and makes sure his hair is properly gelled.

King Altador – Now this is what I call the peak of vain glory! How many Neopians do you know who has a kingdom named after himself/herself? Even Dr. Sloth couldn’t do that! And he-... Huh? What’s that? It was the other heroes who voted that they name the kingdom after him? My, my, then I salute and admire Altador more for pulling off that one. *wink, wink*

5. Use those Grooming Shop items.

If you thought that the primary purpose for stocking up on those grooming items is to have them ready for handing over to the Air Faerie when she demands for them, then you are utterly wrong! One of the things you need to do on a daily basis, and quite frequently I should add, is to groom yourself.

First, make sure you have a Mirror always with you. Take a bath and use your favorite Soap and Shampoo. Groom your mane or fur or hair with Brushes and Combs, and style them with Hair Clips and Gels. Don’t forget to take care of your teeth and fangs with the proper Toothbrush and Floss. Spritz on some Cologne or Perfume and you’re 1/16th done for the day!

Why 1/16th? Well, of course there are twenty four hours to a Neopian day, but you also need eight hours of good and proper sleep.

6. And lastly, customize, customize, customize!

Shop for clothes! Ahh, the most crucial and happiest thing to do in all of Neopia!!! And I’m so excited because aside from the overcrowded Clothing Shop and the overpriced NC mall, there are two other shops we can buy clothes from now. There’s Cog’s Togs if you’re into the shiny, buckles and leather type outfits and then there’s also Prigpants & Swolthy, Tailors with those beautiful long gowns and dresses.

Why should you buy lots of clothes you ask? Why naturally, so that you can change your outfits, of course! I’m pretty sure you don’t want to dress brightly if you’re in a bad mood or dress up for summer when it’s cold and snowing outside, do you? Although of course, there are exceptions. Such as when you’ve found your “perfect” look and not even a bunch of fierce Peophins can take that dress off you.

Have a proper background. Of course if you’re going to change outfits, you also need to change your background too or suffer the shame of having your dress clash horribly with your background. *shudder*

Grab something to hold. No I don’t mean a Battledome weapon, unless it’s something that looks impressive and matches your outfit like my Usul Axe. But anyway, I digress.

We neopets, especially those of us who are bipedal, look very awkward indeed with one of our paws clutching nothing. Does that last part even make sense? Surely not, so hold a walking staff or a dance ribbon. I vote for the dance ribbon.

So there you have it, everything you need to know and help you master the fine art of being vain. Wait, what’s that? It seems to you that everything I said is just all about what I like and what I want to look good? Oh my young apprentice, I’m so happy! You did learn from my guide!